The Gas Contract

The last story was a touch dark and I promised something happier! Please don’t think less of me………

I remember the beginning. Make-up always on, hair perfectly done, flaps always waxed, sexy undies everyday and all outfits planned to perfection.

Three years on and things have changed. In a relationship you get comfortable at a certain point. Some couples have what I like to call a ‘sexy-comfortable’. Meaning they’ve let their guard down in some aspects, but wouldn’t dream of say, leaving the door open while they pee. They have found a line where they can comfortably co-exist together, whilst keeping the ‘mystery’ and dignity in their relationship.

Then there’s couples like Daniel and I. Couples who know what Manjina’s, Dutch Ovens and Tea-bagging are. Couples who think ‘The Goat’ is funny. Couples who regularly use the sentence; “Babe I’m taking a shit in here, Don’t listen please…” We definitely don’t have that kind of ‘sexy-comfortable’ relationship. We have more of a best mate comfortable relationship. Allow me to explain.

Just my creepo face whilst humping a tray of fresh mangoes.

Call me immature, gross or whatever, but penises, vaginas, nut sacks, but holes and really any part of the human body can be funny. It all depends on your perspective and maturity level. Apart of it is actually trying to gross your partner out, just to get a reaction. I’m sure there’s some deep psychological meaning behind it, but for the most part I think it stems from boredom. I often approach My partner Daniel naked, with a creepy smile on my face. I make sure my shoulders are sinking forward so it makes my boobies look horrible and I do a zombie style walk as I get closer. In a deep southern accent I say things like; “You got a perty mouth there son…” or next level “How bout y’all wrap them sweet lips around my lips down south here…heh heh heh…”. No, this doesn’t inspire any sexual activity of course, but it gets a laugh and a reaction; “EWWWWW your so creepy get outta here”!

Yeah, we are comfortable as hell. 20161115-959444354

Daniel will often call me into our bedroom, standing full naked before me with a huge smile on his face. Out of nowhere, with a snappy thrust of his hips, he flicks his penis and balls between his legs. There’s a slapping sound as he catches his junk behind his thighs, completing what is know as the ‘Manjina’. I can’t help but stare at the little tuft of pubes where his penis used to be. It looks like an old lady’s stretch out vadge.

“DANIEL! NO! C’mon!” I always protest. I pretend to be grossed out, but deep down I think The Manjina’s pretty funny. I’m a big fan of Silence Of The Lambs, that good old dance scene is always in the back of my mind, “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me…” Ahhhhhh good times.

Upon completing the Manjina, if the male turns around and presents his junk, sticking out all nice and tight like at the back…you have what is known as ‘The Goat’. I have bared witness to The coveted Goat on only two occasions. I am very quick to turn away once I know Dan is going to turn around and bend over. The image has already firmly planted itself inside my brain, I need not see it again. Urban dictionary describes The Goat as; “The act of a man tucking his wang and sack between his legs and bending over so that it can be seen from behind resembling the head of a goat.” My girlfriend Sarah isn’t as fortunate as I am, her partner breaks out the big guns straight away. Nine time out of ten The Goat is already waiting for her, no Manjina build up…some boyfriends are just plain cruel.

Sometimes I think it would be more fun to have a dick and balls…you can just do so much with them.

Then there’s the Tea-bagging. So much Tea-bagging. Daniel will randomly approach me and place his nut sack on my cheek. I can’t help but laugh hysterically and I know it’s encouraging him, but I can’t help it. Plus, if his balls are newly shaved, it kind of feels all soft and nice. The poor cat Lozen gets Tea-bagged sometimes to. That’s even funnier. She just sits there as Daniel places his scrotum on top of her head. She can be unpredictably violent at times so it’s really like playing russian roulette with his gonads. One day his luck will run out and there will be blood. Lozen also gets blamed for most of the farting and yes, blaming an animal makes popping off even funnier. I don’t know how many times I have heard, “Them frogs are loud out there tonight”!

I’m sure you all know what the Dutch Oven is. The mystery is really all over once that shit starts happening. Urban dictionary describes a Dutch Oven as; “The act of trapping a person under bed covers and releasing vile ass fumes”.

Best mate comfortable means farting. A lot. Sometimes it ends in tears and other times it ends with us both laughing hysterically.

So. When does it all get to be too much? It’s great to live with your best mate and giggle, running around naked in none sexual ways and making dirty jokes. Sometimes there needs to be a line. I drew a line when the farting came into the bedroom.

“That’s it, for every fart the other person does, you have to pay one dollar”, I declared one night, frustrated as hell.

We both shook on it and agreed. It actually lasted a very long while. Until recently it was highly effective. Now we just seem to exchange the same dollar back and forth, depending on what we’ve eaten. Damn you beautiful Oreos…you have cost me so much money!

This has driven me to write up a proper Fart Contract. A serious, binding agreement with a goal in mind to control farting in the home environment. For every couple who is not sexy comfortable, this is for you.

“It rubs the lotion on it’s skin…”

The Gas Contract

THIS AGREEMENT is made and entered into at ______________________________(place) , this ________ day

of ________________(month), 20_______, by and between ____________________________________________ (Name and Address) and _________________________________________________ (Name and Address) (hereafter collectively referred to as the “Partners”)


WHEREAS, the Partners intend to control their flatulence within the household.

NOW THEREFORE, in consideration of the promises and mutual covenants made one to the other, be it and it is hereby agreed as follows:

Formation: The undersigned hereby form an agreement in accordance with the laws and regulations of the state of ________________.

Name: The name of the agreement shall be ‘The Gas Contract’.

Term: The contract shall begin on _______________, 20_____  and shall continue until ___________of the same year unless earlier terminated.

Purpose: The only purpose of The Gas Contract is to invest in personal dignity and mutual benefit of the partners.

Jurisdiction: The Gas Contract is only effective on the partners chosen property. All areas inside this elected property, plus all surrounds inside the properties perimeter (usually marked by fence and/or driveway) will be inside the contracts jurisdiction. This is including but not limited to; driveways, grassed areas, pool areas, garages and nature strips. The fart contract shall not be in effect when the partners are outside these areas.

Third Parties: Third parties entering into conflicts of the partners, shall not have any influence on the decision of the victim. The partner who deals the fart, known as ‘the farter’, shall accept the judgment, within reason, and pay the fees immediately. No arguing or speculation of third parties shall be taken into consideration.

Payment: Fee’s must be payed in cash immediately upon judgement of the victim. If the farter is unable to pay on the spot as requested, an ‘I O U’ may be written. I O U’s are to be signed by the partners and payed no later than 48hrs from the time of signing. All monies collected must be set aside in a jar accessible to the partners.

Types of farting: There are several types of farts, each incurring an appropriate fee. Deeming which type of gas one has passed shall be determined by the victim of the fart only.

General Farting: A General Fart, or ‘G.F’ is deemed as such by its length and depth of odour. A G.F lasts no longer than 2 seconds and can be stinky, but not putrid. G.F’s are often a surprise to both partners. A G.F is considered singular if there are no follow up farts within 2 seconds. If one deals a G.F, followed by a period of 2 or more seconds without farting, then farts again; the follow up fart shall be trailed separately and will incur it’s own fine.  G.F’s incur a $1.00 fee. For example, ‘Sheila did a G.F at the dinner table, then four seconds later, as she started laughing, another G.F slipped out’. Sheila now owes $2.00 as the farts are deemed as separate.

Unheard Farts: Gas that is passed, but unheard of by the other partner are deemed as Unheard Fart’s, or ‘U.F’s’. Unheard Farts have the same level of stench as a G.F. Because of this, U.F’s often go unnoticed. The partners may declare his or her gas based on moral grounds, but are not required to do so. U.F’s are characterised by the victims mild reaction often resulting in waving hand gestured under the nose. U.F’s incur a $1.00 fee.

Prolonged Gas Leaks: Prolonged Gas Leaks, or ‘P.G.L’s’ are deemed as such by the duration of the fart. P.G.L’s last 3 seconds or longer and are clearly heard. They can be loud like a chainsaw or as mild as a gust of wind. Due to the often hilarious nature of P.G.L’s, these farts also incur a $1.00 fee.

Deadly Wind: A Deadly Wind fart, or ‘D.W’ is deemed as such by it’s putrid smell. D.W’s are heard and often cause others to physically move away. D.W’s have a level of smell that is beyond that of a General Fart. D.W’s will often cause laughter when heard, then anger once smelt. D.W’s incur a $2.00 fee.

Silent But Deadly: A Silent But Deadly fart, or ‘S.B.D’ is deemed as such by its powerful odour and lack of warning. S.B.D’s will often similarly cause anger and others to physically move away. These farts are considered to be highly malicious in nature, due to the fact the victim will only recognise a S.B.D once smelt. If any part of the fart is heard, it then falls under a D.W fart.  If the partner receiving the fart does not move or cover his or her nose in any form, the farter can argue a $1.00 reduction in the fee. S.B.D’s incure a $3.00 fee.

Contact Farts: Contact Farts or ‘C.F’s’ are deemed as such by having physical posterior contact with another, whilst passing gas. That is, the farters bum must be in direct contact with any other part of the victims body or face. C.F’s are often felt due to the close proximity. C.F’s can occur in any of the above mentioned forms and will therefore incur the fee’s accordingly, with an additional $2.00 fee. For example, ‘Daniel put his bum on my leg and passed putrid gas, it was loud and vibrational. The smell caused me to move away due to the intensity.’ This fart would incur $2.00 for the D.W plus the additional $2.00 for making butt contact whilst performing the fart. A total of $4.00 would be owed.

Vehicle Farts: Vehicle Farts, or ‘V.F’s’ are deemed as such when gas is passed, or dragged inside a vehicle. V.F’s can be recognised in any of the above forms and will incur the matching fee. Due to the confined nature of V.F’s, an additional $3 fee will be placed on top of the existing fee. Please note that V.F’s are only valid if the car is still in the home location. Once the vehicle is on public roads, the gases passed will not fall under the jurisdiction of The Gas Contract. For example, ‘Sheila did a cute little G.F inside her car as she pulled out of the driveway, with Daniel as a passenger’. The G.F incurs a $1.00 fee plus the additional $3.00 fee for being inside a vehicle, the total fee would be $4.00.

CLAUSE H: Clause H may be justified if the farter, upon or after dropping a V.F, deliberately hinders the victim from opening a window, door or sunroof in anyway. Such an act that deliberately forces the victim to inhale or smell the V.F are deemed as intentionally malicious and harmful. The farter does not have to stop the victim physically for Clause H to be invoked. If the farter asks the victim, for example to; “wind up the window” and has the intent to follow through with a fart, this would fall under Clause H as the farter has intent. An additional $4 fee may be added when the victim rules for Clause H. For example; “Daniel dropped a S.B.D, V.F and intentionally put the car lock on, though she tried to get out, Sheila had no choice but to endure the rancid stench”. Such an occurrence would cost; S.B.D = $3.00 + (no fee reduction as Sheila tried to escape the stench) C.F=$3.00 + Clause H = $4.00 Total fee = $10.00.

Dutch Oven: Thought to be the most heinous act a partner can perform is the Dutch Oven, or ‘D.O’. A D.O is deemed as gas passed in any form, with any type of covering being held primarily over the head of the victim, trapping them inside. The Dutch Oven is often executed in the bedroom, however it can also be performed on other household furniture, including but not limited to; couches, chairs, outdoor furniture, tables, carpeted lounge areas and vehicles. Such a vile act will incur a single flat fee of $10.00. Even if the victim manages to escape without inhaling any gas, the fine still stands due to the vicious nature of the act.

Management: Often times the victim will have a tendency to hand out higher fee’s than stipulated, due to personal anger towards the farter. When serious arguments arise, the partners must take a few minutes to each review the situation and adjust fee’s accordingly. If an agreement still cannot be reached, a default fee totalling $2.00 must be paid by the farter.

Monthly Accounting:  On the 1st of every month, a full and complete account of the monies raised shall be counted by the partners.

Sharing of Profits: The monies raised shall go equally towards something the partners can participate in together. Partners must both agree on what to spend the money on.

Termination of Contract: This contract may be terminated only if both partners are in full agreement to do so. If the decision is not mutual, the contract shall remain valid until the agreed upon date as above.



___________________________          __________________________
{First Party Name}                                         {First Party Signature}

___________________________          __________________________
{Second Party Name}                                    {Second Party Signature}


I haven’t trialled this new contract as yet, so I’m sure there will be some adjustments in the coming weeks! You gotta at least try it if only for shits n giggles! Print it out, let me know how you go and if it helped control the flatulence in any way!

Let it be known that for every one good picture taken, there’s ten ‘real life’ ones behind it. The photo’s shared here today represent the real side of things….the comfortable side of things!

One of the few family photo’s I have of us not being creepo’s!


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